Thank you, Debbie Graham Shaffer, for sharing a great piece on the importance of our athletes turning the adversity and failure that comes with competitive sports into success. For those of you who don’t know Debbie, she is a former #2 junior tennis player in the world, NCAA Individual and Team Champion from Stanford (graduated in 3 years while being undefeated in dual match play), top 10 WTA doubles, top 25 WTA singles, and a high-performance coach. The best part, of course, is she is now a sports mom like the rest of us! I am constantly turning to Debbie for guidance. You can read Debbie’s other article here.

Five Tips to Make Adversity Plus Failure Equal Success!

by Debbie Graham Shaffer

As a parent, coach, and player, we have all been there;  losing that tight match by a few points, or getting cheated out of a point or game with a bad call and then losing, not making a special team or tournament you have been trying so hard to make, being the bench warmer on a team after making a bad play, that freak twisting of the ankle or the knee that puts you out for weeks.  Then comes watching your child cry in pain in the back seat on the car ride home, staring off into space like they have been shunned forever because they were pulled out of the game, thinking they are a terrible player that will never win. 

This is called ADVERSITY, and to most young athletes, they see this in their minds as a FAILURE.  Nobody said the road to success would be smooth.  In fact, it is designed to be difficult! There are so many bumps and dips along this road that you can’t even begin to count them.  However, once we get past all the emotions, parents and coaches must teach athletes to LEARN from their failures and adversity.  Most people, when they go out and win a tennis match 6-0, 6-0, never learn one thing from the match.  The only memory is the trouncing score.  However, losing a tiebreak in the third set in a big tournament on a double fault? This will haunt you for a long time. Believe me, we have all been there!

Here are my 5 tips to make your athlete’s adversity + failure = SUCCESS!

1. Remind your athlete this is a journey

The pathway is a marathon, not a sprint. You are in it for the long haul. There are no shortcuts! If it were easy everyone would be doing it! There will be good and bad days, good coaches and bad coaches, good matches and bad matches, not to mention a few injuries.  This journey is long, and not as direct, as we want, but you have to stay on the path to get success.

2. Teach your athletes a growth mindset

Stanford Researcher Carol Dweck says in her TED talk that we need to introduce the word “yet” into our athlete’s vocabulary. “I didn’t make the top team YET, so I need to practice more.” “I have not earned a starting spot YET, time to get to practice early and stay late.”  “I have not learned to hit a backhand slice, YET, so I will spend more time on this shot.” YET can be your new favorite word!

3. Deal with the challenges the best you can

This means if you get pulled from the game, or you get a bad call, or the coach says something you do not like, or you double-faulted on match point, do not let it define you.  Go back and relive the situation to become stronger and build some grit for next time.  If you are pulled out of the game, be the best team supporter you can be from the bench.  Cheer, support, be a team player.  If it is an individual sport, learn how to take a bad referee call to fire you up for the next point or play. You can’t control what is handed to you, but you can control your response.

4. Highlight ALL the positive things that happen 

Instead of looking at all the bad things that happened in the match or competition, look at your highlights.  Look at what you did well and figure out how to improve those things for your next competition.

5. Make sure your athlete has a passion for what they do!  

Most importantly, make sure your athlete is playing the sport that they love.  If the love does not come from them, and it comes more from the parent, there is NO WAY your athlete can survive the dips and bumps on their athletic pathway.  If your athlete truly loves their sport, they will fight back after tough loses, they will push through setbacks and injuries, and they will put in more time practicing to get better.  Having a love for the game or sport from the athlete is KEY to surviving the bumpy journey.

As parents and coaches, it is our job to have the athlete go back and relive that torturous double fault or mistake.  It is not our job to pave a smooth road for them by removing any obstacles in their way, carry their tennis bags for them, or even buy them the new pair of air pods they want to make them feel better.

We need to help the athlete develop coping skills, grit, and determination to learn from their mistakes.  

As painful as it is, they must go back and figure out how to not make the same mistake again.  I once read, “failure is like oxygen that is needed to start a fire”.  So, let failure be your oxygen to keep your athlete going.  Our most important job is to make sure our athletes know the path to success is not smooth, it is not easy, and they have the tools to not only get through their athletic pathway but their pathway in life.

Thank you, Debbie Graham Shaffer! You can connect with Debbie via Linkedin. You may also enjoy her article, “How she avoids being THAT tennis parent”.